I don't really know if this "blogging" thing has much of a purpose for me other than to personally work out my thoughts that are constantly running through my head. If anything, maybe some of my mom friends can relate or at least seek comfort in the fact they are not alone being stressed out. Who knows if anyone will read it, who really cares, it's for my own benefit and will probably be deleted just as quickly as it's submitted.
Everyday I wake up to 3 beautiful children and usually only 2 are pleasant. Camden usually wakes up and instantly starts reeking havoc or wakes up screaming and crying. Rarely does he start his day as a happy little boy, unless, of course, Chad is home- everything is better when daddy is home. There are days when I just lay in bed, hoping, maybe even secretly praying the kids will go back to sleep for even 5 more minutes..I don't function well before noon, I'm not sure if this is a result of having children, or being a stay at home mom.
I give major credit to anyone who chooses this lifestyle. I am not strong enough, or have the patience enough to spend 100% of my time with my children. That doesn't in any way make me a bad mom, just an honest one. I don't pretend my life is peachy keen and perfect with a husband who provides and 3 smart, healthy children. That's not real life.. things aren't perfect. I honestly can't say the last time I was truly happy. Awful right? I have so much to be grateful for, so much to cherish and be appreciative of. But the fact in the matter is, little things get in the way to cloud up the bigger picture. As the years slip away i'm beginning to have more of those " I should have..." or "i wish I would have.." moments. But in the end, I'm still not taking advantage of those. I don't know what's holding me back.
I used to enjoy living life-I was always playing sports, being outdoors, enjoying friends, loving life. Somewhere down the line things changed. I could list a whole slew of people to "blame" for my unhappiness, but in the end, the choices I've made have brought me to where I am. I look back at when I was a single mom, at how desperately I wanted stability for Gabe, how immensely important it was to find him a male role model to fill in the gap as his father-figure. So naturally I dated everyone who was NOT a good role model. I dated guys who let me boss them around and walk all over them, guys that would use me for my $$ since I was a hardworking mom, guys that treated me like shit- who knew finding a man that had a job, was responsible with his life and $$, and was family oriented would be such a rare find. When Chad came into our lives, what a sigh of relief it was. I knew I had to hold on tight, for he was one of a kind.
I now look back and realize why young girls seek the attention of the wrong sort of men. My father was rarely present in my teenage/young adult life. I have very few memories of a good relationship and the love and bond a mother and father should have for one another. I witnessed my mother crying many nights to herself in bed, my father never home. My father would come home constantly intoxicated, start an argument with my mom, then leave again to repeat. All the good memories of my childhood disappeared and were replaced by the bad. My memories now are of my mom giving us everything she could to provide for us a loving home, even giving up her own happiness in order to try to save a bit of ours. She didn't bother us with her own adult problems, in an attempt to keep our childhood to ourselves without forcing us to grow up. At the same time, I was a young teen-impressionable and ever-seeking approval and guidance. My mom did everything she could, but she could not give the male role model I needed. So I sought attention from the wrong type of men. I knew nothing otherwise. Downward spiral on relationships became a common theme in my young adult life...
When chad and I got married, I wanted to start a family instantly. We had already gone through one miscarriage, and it was so devasting; I wanted to immediately replace the heartache with another child. I always wondered if the miscarriage was due to an abortion I had a few years prior-say what you want, I'm pro-choice , not pro-life. No one can say when a soul entires a fetus, and for that, you cannot argue murder. You can preach all you want about how wrong it is, but until you are that young woman, you have no idea the situation or circumstances surrounding it. To this day, I am not regretful, nor will I be. I did the best thing. I did not look at that fetus as a potential life. When you have religion shoved down your throat your entire elementary/high school years, you begin to question everything, including if there is such thing as a soul, or afterlife, or a God. Although I must say, I still capitalize God for hope there is a higher power. So I fully stand by my choice, as does my family.
When Camden came along, I was ecstatic. I wanted so badly for him to be a boy, someone who could carry on our family's last name, a brother and playmate for Gabe. He was an adorable grumpy-old man looking baby. I never wanted to put him down. When I went back to work, there was such a guilt inside me, I finally got the nerve to speak my mind and quit my job I had been in for 5 years. We celebrated that night. I thought all my stress was due to my employment but quite frankly, I think my job saved me. It was an outlet to interact with adults, providing instant gratification if you will through praise, hard work, paychecks, etc.. I felt like I was contributing to my family. Turns out, that stress was post-pardum depression, and it hit HARD. I hated my children-these sweet innocent boys... I hated being home, I blamed Chad for EVERYTHING-his part in Camden's creation, him marrying me, encouraging me to quit a job I was unhappy with, etc..To go from working 40 hrs a week, to doing virtually nothing but tending to children all day was an extreme adjustment. I refused to seek medical help-what mom wants to be told she can't handle her problems on her own? When I finally did, I was put on some anti-depressants and wondered why I didn't go the doctor sooner. I quickly weened myself off them though for they kept me awake and I was exhausted all the time, not being able to fall asleep even when my body was so tired was draining.
9 months after Camden's birth, Sofia was created. I blame it on too much excitement from quitting my job. I was terrified, two was hard, and I mean HARD, there was no way I wanted 3. I thought people who had 3 were crazy, even though I once was one of those people preaching how many children I wanted. I look at moms who only have one and have to laugh at all their "hard times." What a joke, you don't know parenting until you have more than one child, sorry, but it's true. I begged Chad to let me end the pregnancy, I was bitter, even though obviously it takes 2 to do the bedroom dance, haha. He wouldn't let me, and I was angry. And so began the cycle of blaming him and the children for all of my problems. Seriously, I have become such a bitch over the past 7 years, Chad is so tolerant, why I will never know. I was so frightened at the prospect at having possibly 3 boys. Boys are hard.. maybe just mine. they are constantly fighting from sun up to sun down. Don't get me wrong, they get along just fine sometimes. But their energy level is off the roof, I am exhausted almost as soon as they wake up in the morning. I need some recooperation time- I feel like I'm running a race when I have no legs. Where once I would clean the house every Sunday, now I'm lucky if it gets cleaned a Sunday every 2 months. I feel like i've accomplished something just by getting a shower in or feeding the kids.
So I craved a girl. When my ultrasound day rolled around to find out the sex, I wanted to cancel. I knew in my heart this baby was another boy, and it didn't help that everyone else was assuming the same thing. While everyone always says all they want is a "healthy baby", I'm more honest and said I wanted a girl. Point blank, I would be upset to have another boy. So Chad dragged me to the appointment, me dragging my feet, not wanting to find out but at the same time wanting to. I laid on that table and the lady asked if I wanted to know what the baby was, I said yes while my heart was screaming NO! I just knew she was going to say a boy, but when the words "it's a girl" came out, I balled. Anyone that knows me , knows I don't show emotion. I didn't cry at my wedding, I didn't cry when I found out I was pregnant with Camden, I didn't cry when he was born, or when family passes away. It isn't in my nature to show emotion, maybe I need to nurture that side of me a little better. Chad has, to my knowledge, never seen me happy to that extent. I was getting my girl..
So Sofia is born and I feel a warmth in my heart I didn't know would ever come back. When everything goes wrong it seems all the time, it's hard to accept when something goes so right. She was a blessing, exactly what I needed, the last piece to our family. Looking into her little face everyday makes it so hard to understand how my birth mother could give me up. Regardless how bad life could be, there is no way I would ever choose to not see her beautiful face everyday. Always waking up with a smile, this little girl is going to be my weakness. This is a feeling I don't get with my boys. Don't get me wrong, I don't love one child more than another, but having a girl is totally different than having a boy. Why I never wanted to experience this, I can't fathom.
But eventually the newborn awe wears off, and reality sinks back in. Instead of struggling with 2, we now have 3. Chad works more hours than he has off it seems, 24 hours shifts seem like they are weeks straight. I wish I could contribute, but him working overtime is more profitable then me working a $15/hr pharmacy job again. I am so lonely being a stay at home mom. It isn't easy, and more times than not, it's not enjoyable. There is always laundry, always dishes. The baby wants to be held nonstop, Camden is trying to be tinkerbell and fly off stationary, sometimes rolling, objects, and Gabe is tattle-taling or being sneaky. I am constantly breaking up the boys-Gabe is crying cuz Cam hit him or knocked him down (yes a 1 yr old beating up his 7 yr old brother) or Cam is crying from Gabe ripping toys out of his hands or not letting him play with him. Sofia is always smiling, some days I wish I could lock myself in my room and just stare at her all day. She is so pleasant, so sweet.. a breath of fresh air to the madness that I call life. Then again, she has her very rare moments when she will cry and not let you out of eyesight. I don't get to devote much time to Gabe anymore, Camden is constantly in trouble and half the time I can't find the energy to discipline him. I change diapers all day long, bottles washed several times a day, my hair is a mess, rarely do I find time for makeup. Wow how the days have changed. I try to nap daily just to try to replenish the lack of energy I have. Vitamins don't work, coffee can be a short-lived lifesaver. There are days when Chad comes home and I will sleep all day.. and there are days I wish I could sleep my life away, or at least til the children are grown and can take care of themselves. I feel like I've lost the ability to enjoy my life.
How do you juggle 3? I feel i'm managing fairly well, but not being successful in the ways I should be. I want to financially provide for my family, but yet can barely afford to pay for school or God forbid, pay a babysitter to watch them while i go to school. I am not the best mom I could be-my patience is thin, I quickly lose my temper, I say things I shouldn't. I spend little time with my nieces Abby and Delilah, and feel like a terrible aunt because i can barely manage to juggle my own kids , let alone find the energy for more. I have little to no time to devote to my husband, how he still is married to me, I do not know. We never go out, mainly because we can't afford it or I'm just too exhausted by the end of the week. When we do go out, I forgot how to relax and just enjoy a night out with my husband. I constantly wonder what life would have been like to be married BEFORE having children, or to not have children at all. I probably would not be married still, I was a selfish teen. Gabe has grounded me in so many ways, he was a blessing in disguise at the rate I was going with his father.
I need to learn not to be so angry-angry with Gabe's dad for walking out on us, being delinquent with child support, not having contact with Gabe since he was just shy of turning 5 years old but yet refusing to sign off the rights when Chad has openly stated how he would like to adopt Gabe; angry that I cannot seem to make things happen the way I wish they would, taking 1 step forward and falling 10 steps back, leading my life backwards, making things harder on myself and always adding something new to the mix to consume more of my time and energy. Angry for not being able to maintain relationships with family, when in the end they were all one-sided and it was my benefit to wash my hands of it and protect my children from any more hurt and disappointment. Angry for not being able to be a better wife, mother,sister, aunt, and friend, for not saving friendships that were so important to me, for not building a support network that consists of more than just my mom and stepdad. Angry with other people who make no effort to get to know my children, for they really are great children, this includes many, many relatives. What do you do to rid yourself of all these thoughts? Do you take a happy pill and pretend the world is all smiles and rainbows? Do you confront each of these problems head on or take it for what it is and accept that they will never be the way you want. Do you give up and start a new path, or continuously find yourself searching for that old familiar route?
There is always someone out there who is going through something worse, I know this. I just wish instead of constantly reminding me of this, someone would say "I understand." and listen. Don't judge me, I judge myself enough everyday. You can not tell me anything worse than I have already told myself. I know I am far from being alone with these issues, but instead of acting like the exterior is perfect, I am real. I speak my mind. I don't put on a fake smile and pretend like I like someone I don't, just to give off a good impression. I'm devoted to those worth being devoted to. I don't believe good things will come to those who wait, I believe you have to achieve what you want on your own without handouts through hard work and perseverance, I'm just trying to find my way that will work to do that.. these thoughts run through my head all day, all night. I'm in a funk, it's as simple as that. Wondering when I will feel better and constantly wondering when the other shoe will drop perhaps. This too shall pass, as my mom would say.
